Regret is fo suckas!

There's a saying that in the end you don't regret the things you did... only the things you didn't.


Um... I beg to differ...


What about the time I drunkenly text-ed a guy ALL night? I totally regret THAT shit! (I'd fill you in on the retarded crap I sent but sober me couldn't bear it and deleted it all before I could peruse that hot mess). I'm sure it seemed freaking genius at the time... you know 2 margaritas and about 8 beers in genius...


There was this one time (well maybe more than once...) I thought that although I had absolutely NO balance I could TOTALLY dance.... um.... yeah... not so much. My ass and the ground have met on many an occasion...


I kinda regret thinking the bartender was working too slowly at my sister's wedding and hopping behind the bar and mixing my own drinks... BIG MISTAKE! HUGE! I sure wish I remembered the second half of that wedding... I heard it was tons o' fun...


How about that drunken fiasco at.....


hmmmm.... maybe there's a pattern here... NAW! I'm not an alcoholic... alcoholics go to meetings! JK! Although there are plenty of drunken adventures I wouldn't advertise on FB at least those are excusable with a "*hic*... well I was a little tipsy..."


I'm pretty sure there are plenty of things I wish I hadn't done that DON'T involve adult beverages... I'd say my marriage but there was most certainly some alcohol involved and I did get my super awesome kid out of it. We'll just call that a detour...


I guess there are a few things I regret NOT doing... I regret not finishing college (yet). I regret investing a shit ton of money on beer and partying and NOT spending it on something awesome like a trip to Europe... I could have thought that one out a little better but then again I was *hic* drinking a lot then...


I always kind of figured that the saying mainly applied to love... as in not telling the ones you love how much they mean to you, not following your heart for fear of being hurt... that kind of thing... Well Idk if that's really true. I think there are times that I plopped my guts out on the table for everyone to gawk at and looking back there a few times I kind of regret it... I mean WTF was I thinking? One dude was stinky... He literally stunk...PEE-EWE! I swear I was half-retarded. Seriously...


BUUUUTTTT.... I guess there were a few instances that I still wonder about. Not that I'm pining away for anyone or that I don't believe that everything happens for a reason but of course there are some "what ifs"... Admittedly, if I really think about it most of those are clouded by time and rose colored glasses and if I try I could predict the demise of most of those relationships anyway... still tho...


Now that I'm older...ish... I try to think about stuff like that when I'm faced with choices. I really believe that following your heart (even tho my heart is kind of stupid sometimes) is almost always the best decision.


I guess in the end when you're all wrinkly and crap, sitting alone in your hover-chair sipping lava hot coffee and praying your Depends holds out, it would really suck to regret letting something possibly amazing slip away... I want some wrinkly old fart sitting right next me and I don't want to wait til my boobs are scraping the ground and my face looks like I left it in the bathtub too long to find my Depends buddy. So Ima wear my heart on my sleeve (well under my hoodie) and let the chips fall where they may.


Regret is fo suckas!

Since I'm soooo clearly a dating icon I thought it would be cool of me to share some of my wisdom. I know it's tough dating these days so I'd love to help out those less fortunate than myself in the dating arena. Here are some of my helpful hints:

 1. Be fashionably late... by this I mean 7 really means 9:15ish... they need to know your time is more important than theirs. Trust me boys dig it when you set them straight early.

2. Dress reeeaaalllyy slutty. You want their undivided attention and you're sure to get it if at least one of your nipples is precariously poised within the coverage of your transparentish blouse.

3. There's no such thing as too much perfume... french whore house, schmore house! Don't let him EVER forget your aroma!

4. Flirt with the waiter shamelessly. Everyone knows that men are pre-wired to fight for their lady and will appreciate that you're a hot commodity.

5. Talk incessantly. He really does want to know about your annoying co-worker's annoying habits. He'll be fascinated by you're in depth analysis of the Bachelor AND will be enthralled by how awful your last boyfriend's mother was (plus it's good for him to start getting the clue that YOU will be the head bitch and he should probably inform his mother accordingly).

6. Don't forget to let him know you're into him too.... tell him which pictures on his Facebook you liked and feel free to elaborate on your opinions of the shady looking girls posing next to him (of course they are probably hideous whores anyway), Show your outdoorsy side by pointing out that you noticed the type of  bushes he has in his backyard (if he points out that you've never been to his house just change the subject). Let him know that your laid back enough to rough it in his "starter home" for the first year or so but you will expect a MUCH more posh residence ASAP once you're married. (The kids simply can't grow up in THAT neighborhood!)

7. Ask him questions... "Is THAT really the career choice you want to stick with or do you plan on getting a REAL job soon?", "Did you get your money back for that haircut?", "Is that a rental because your real car is in the shop or something?"... you know... get to know him....

8. Order something fancy. If you're unsure of what to order just choose the most expensive thing... they always price the best things the highest. That's how he'll know you're a quality lady...

9. It's perfectly acceptable to get a little tipsy. It shows that you're fun! I'd keep the throwing up at bay until the second date but a slight slur is cute.

10. Play innocent and just a little prudish when he drops you off. Let him walk you to the door, giggle (which should be easy since you're 5 wine glasses in)... tuck your nipple back into your demi-cup and say..."Good night". That's it... He's been eying your boobage all night and will DEFINITELY be calling for a second date in hopes of seeing more of you!

Go forth and date my pretties! I know this will help you get a second date! Now good night, I have to feed my cats and finish heating up my lean cuisine.