Since I'm soooo clearly a dating icon I thought it would be cool of me to share some of my wisdom. I know it's tough dating these days so I'd love to help out those less fortunate than myself in the dating arena. Here are some of my helpful hints:

 1. Be fashionably late... by this I mean 7 really means 9:15ish... they need to know your time is more important than theirs. Trust me boys dig it when you set them straight early.

2. Dress reeeaaalllyy slutty. You want their undivided attention and you're sure to get it if at least one of your nipples is precariously poised within the coverage of your transparentish blouse.

3. There's no such thing as too much perfume... french whore house, schmore house! Don't let him EVER forget your aroma!

4. Flirt with the waiter shamelessly. Everyone knows that men are pre-wired to fight for their lady and will appreciate that you're a hot commodity.

5. Talk incessantly. He really does want to know about your annoying co-worker's annoying habits. He'll be fascinated by you're in depth analysis of the Bachelor AND will be enthralled by how awful your last boyfriend's mother was (plus it's good for him to start getting the clue that YOU will be the head bitch and he should probably inform his mother accordingly).

6. Don't forget to let him know you're into him too.... tell him which pictures on his Facebook you liked and feel free to elaborate on your opinions of the shady looking girls posing next to him (of course they are probably hideous whores anyway), Show your outdoorsy side by pointing out that you noticed the type of  bushes he has in his backyard (if he points out that you've never been to his house just change the subject). Let him know that your laid back enough to rough it in his "starter home" for the first year or so but you will expect a MUCH more posh residence ASAP once you're married. (The kids simply can't grow up in THAT neighborhood!)

7. Ask him questions... "Is THAT really the career choice you want to stick with or do you plan on getting a REAL job soon?", "Did you get your money back for that haircut?", "Is that a rental because your real car is in the shop or something?"... you know... get to know him....

8. Order something fancy. If you're unsure of what to order just choose the most expensive thing... they always price the best things the highest. That's how he'll know you're a quality lady...

9. It's perfectly acceptable to get a little tipsy. It shows that you're fun! I'd keep the throwing up at bay until the second date but a slight slur is cute.

10. Play innocent and just a little prudish when he drops you off. Let him walk you to the door, giggle (which should be easy since you're 5 wine glasses in)... tuck your nipple back into your demi-cup and say..."Good night". That's it... He's been eying your boobage all night and will DEFINITELY be calling for a second date in hopes of seeing more of you!

Go forth and date my pretties! I know this will help you get a second date! Now good night, I have to feed my cats and finish heating up my lean cuisine.