Saving you from your feelings

Some people are sooooo sensitive!

I’ve learned through the years and several pissy pants exchanges that some people take things WAY too personally and just don’t appreciate a helpful word. No matter how well intentioned or thoughtful the advice SOME PEOPLE will make a point of flying into a tizzy…

Here are a few things I’ve realized may be met with defensiveness and derision:

“You KNOW that’s REALLY fattening right?”

Nutritional information: People hardly ever appreciate it when I explain in detail why they don’t know how to eat. They think just because they’ve been eating the same crap their entire lives that they know what they’re doing… um… look at your ass… O, you can’t see the whole thing? That’s cuz you’re a FATTY!  Trust me… I know these things! *ahem* STOP LOOKING AT MY ASS! Do as I say, not as I do!

“OH honey…. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING???” (this is especially effective if the person is already out and couldn’t possibly change)

Fashion tips: Turns out some people actually think they look cute in WAY too tight clothes and NO bra… Yes… you may get lots of turned heads and even a few whistles but it doesn’t mean what you think it does… Yeah, people don’t really like to hear that either. I’m just trying to help… Look at me. I’m the epitome of fashionable… SHUT UP! YOU DON’T KNOW FASHION!

 “I wouldn’t worry about saving for college… your daughter will most definitely be knocked up and starring in a “Who’s my baby daddy” episode of Maury Povich WAY before she’s anywhere near graduating high school. THAT’S what you should be worried about.”

Child Predictions: I have yet to meet a parent who even nods a little “hey thanks” for my super insightful opinions on their children’s inevitable futures. Like it’s MY fault their kid is destined to be a hooker and/or drug dealing crack addicted hobo… I’m TRYING to help you help them… GEEZ! So ungrateful!

“EW! You smoke? You KNOW that’s bad for you don’t you? You KNOW it will age you super  fast right? I mean… look at your teeth already… GRODY!”

Cigarettes: Now this one I honestly don’t get… EVERYONE knows cigarettes are bad for you.. . it says so right on the box! It’s not like I yank the thing out of their mouths…anymore… On second thought keep smoking… I’ll just look younger by comparison…

"WTF is that smell? Here... lemme febreeze your funky ass... sit still! Stop fidgeting, you fucking smell like a rotten corpse!"

BO: I mean I really didn't think this one would be necessary but I swear there's this hooker on the radio that was flummoxed as to why this guy kept making retching sounds and weird faces in the car... I mean she DOESN'T wear deodorant and showers... wait for it... every OTHER day! WHAT??? You can't do both bitch... if you wanna forgo deodorant then you freaking double up on the showers! REALLY?!?! Come on!

This chick I work with calls it "Saving you from your feelings"... that thing where you tell loved ones something really terrible about themselves so someone else doesn't do it and hurt their feelings.... Because having your mom call you a big fatty is less hurtful than random strangers just pointing and laughing... haha! Either way people need to stop being titty babies. I mean... where is my thank you card? I just freaking "saved you from your feelings". I did you a favor... some people... soooo ungrateful!

Also, I'm perfect... I don't need any help at all... don't try and save me from my feelings... that would just be rude...