Shit that sucks on Facebook

You know what I hate on Facebook?

Those crabby pants people who never have anything good in their lives... You know the ones that do nothing but whine and bitch about EVERY LITTLE BITTY THING! I mean, I know I can hide people and believe me... some people are hidden but I keep expecting them to have one interesting non-whiny thing to say. AND if you really feel like the rest of us care about how mistreated you are at least make it entertaining... don't tell us your boyfriend is a lying cheating bastard... tell us how you really found out. Did he give you the herp? Did you find some girls lipstick on his junk? I mean really... I might actually care about THAT.

You know what else I hate?

Those people who are sooooo freaking upbeat all the time... REALLY??? Come on... I'm not buying it. Surely you're not actually all that pumped to go to work on Monday... "LETS GET IT!!! I can't wait to take on this week!!!"... Seriously? No one is THAT freaking excited about Monday... Either you're blowing smoke or... yeah... you're full of shit. AND if you really are that super excited tell us why... are you plotting revenge on one of your co-workers? Did you spike the water cooler? Are you banging a co-worker in the restroom? Come on... you can tell me.

You know what else I hate?

I hate it when people put "OOOOHHHH I'm sooooo mad! I can't believe that just happened!!"... or some other similar type thing. You can't believe WHAT happened? What on earth are we supposed to be getting our panties in a wad about? If you really feel like whatever it is you're dealing with simply MUST be shared on facebook the for the love of all things holy tell us WTF it is! What is that about anyway? Are we supposed to be on the edge of our seats awaiting your next post to explain the tragedy? Seriously... if you aren't going to tell us what it is then DON'T TELL US! Really...

You know what else I hate?

Ok... I'm really not that much of a hater and for the most part I genuinely enjoy seeing peoples lives in one simple format... just think of the telephone calls and obligatory meetings facebook has saved us from. Sometimes I just want to comment on some peoples status' "How about we spice this mess up..." Of course I wouldn't do that because for one thing that's rude and also because I know I don't actually HAVE to read all of their stuff, I know how to hide... Plus I think I kind of enjoy it... even the whiny and upbeat crap. I DO NOT however enjoy the vague tragedies... seriously... that needs to stop.

5th Wheel like a BOSS

You know what's fun? Going out with your "couple" friends as the only "party for 1". I mean, there is nothing quite like being the only single chick in a herd of couples... It's especially nice when they are all lovey dovey and crap. Good times. BUT what do you do when all of your freaking friends are married or in relationships? I'm not really trying to hang out with a bunch of kids in their 20's again. I've done that and don't get me wrong...it was shit tons o' fun but I just don't have that kind of energy anymore. I have to schedule in a hangover now... I need at least an entire day to recover. Not that I'm old (bitch I'll cut you if you call me old) but that just doesn't sound as fun as it used to. So I'm relegated to hanging out with freaking couples and shit. So I'm thinking if I'm gonna be the 5th freaking wheel anyway I need to make the most of it. So here is what I'm thinking I should do...

First of all I'm getting hammered. I probably could have left that out cuz HELLO... DUH! Of COURSE I'm going to get wasted... I JUST said I was going to be ALONE with a bunch of disgustingly cutesy couples. Let's just go ahead and check that shit off as DONE.

Since I've already established my excuse for being a fucktard (white girl wasted) I figure I need to just go balls to the wall and make the most of it so here is a list of shit I think Ima try:

1. Confuse other people by randomly hugging up on all of the people in my group. Guys...girls....whatev... I want people to be all like, "WTF is that shit about? Who is that hooker with? Is that a harem or what?" Yeah... I mean I'm not sure how the other folks in my party are going to take it and there is a distinct chance I might get punched but I'm drunk so I'm sure they'd just let it go. Maybe.

2. Just go stand in other groups and pretend I came with them and see how many people talk to me thinking I really am with them. This one isn't so weird. I'm pretty sure I've done this crap before and I have met some fun ass people but I'm going to add an extra degree of "WTF" by being really strange. I'll start bringing up weird stuff like it's something we're all in on until someone gets all stupid and then I'll just scream, "But you said you loved me and now you won't even tell me who gave you the herp!" To the guy standing closest to me. That should go over well... I'm sure of it.

3. Everything after this depends on how long I manage to evade getting my ass booted from the establishment...

4. I'm going to go up to at least one guy and just grab his junk. This one is actually a little scary because there are just too many reactions to prepare for. Some dudes might be into that and start wanting to talk to me and um... yeah... we'll just have to see about that... I'm sure some will be super offended and you know there is still the possibility of being punched but I'm really hoping to gauge the "girl punching" likelihood of my junk grabbing victim. I REALLY don't want to get punched. This one may or may not actually happen. I'll keep you posted.

5. I think I'll start winking at EVERYONE who walks by me. This one might actually get me a few free drinks (we can rest assured only the creepazoids will fall for that crap...story of my whole damn life) but I'm a little interested in the reactions of people. Normally I try not to make any eye contact at all if I can help it but fuck it... I'm going in.... Weirdo winker it is!

6. Dry humping. I'm not going to put limits on this one. I'm going to dry hump like a maniac. Anyone and everyone that strikes my fancy is getting dry humped. (This one might get me arrested but I'm sure if I explain to the authorities why I'm humping dryly they'd totally get it and provide me with security for future dry humping)

7. At this point I'm about 150% sure I will have forgotten my list of crazy chick moves and will be winging it. I'm SURE it will be awesome and freaking hilarious...or amazingly fucktarded and pathetic...whichever...

Wish me luck! I wonder if I'll meet the man of my dreams tonight? Well... with my luck I will but I'll scare him off by bringing my CA-RAZY. Whatevs... shit happens.

Guy Speak

I’ve already imparted some of my super helpful dating advice before. *I mean seriously… you should totally listen to me because I'm soooo together*...and now, I’m thinking I should let you ladies in on a little “guy speak”. We’ve ALL heard the same shit and as females we tend to hear what we want to hear. Turns out dudes know that crap… They have created this whole other dialect and oh boy is it sneaky…

It’s possible I’m not completely right *of course I am* but here are a few gems I’ve managed to translate:

~ “She and I are just really great friends.” 

TRANSLATION: “We hooked up like freaking wild ass monkeys on multiple occasions but I soooo don’t want you to know that because that might significantly impair my ability to have more wild monkey sex with her.”

~“I haven’t kept track of how many women I’ve been with.”

TRANSLATION: “127 and I have a spreadsheet with graphs and tables and shit, which my friends and I joke about whilst trying to out-slut each other.”

~“Babe, I’d never touch that chick…she couldn’t even hold a candle to you.”

TRANSLATION: “Babe, I’d tear that bitch up and make sure I put that shit on my spreadsheet so all of my friends can get a kick out of it too. I’m a guy and she wants to get naked with me… pssshhh…”

~“I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

TRANSLATION: “I like you and all but there are just WAY too many chicks I haven’t banged and I’m not ready to give that up yet. I’d really prefer you not start banging other dudes until I’m sure I’m finished with you though.”

~”It’s hard for me to open up and let people in.”

TRANSLATION: “SHUT UP already… GAH! Why do we ALWAYS have to talk about feelings and crap?”

~”My ex was a crazy bitch.”

TRANSLATION: “Yeah… I fucked her up like a green bean sandwich by cheating and being an all around douchetard but then all of a sudden she turned into this psycho biznatch and stopped being my doormat… CA-RAZY!”

~”I’m not jealous of your guy friends.”

TRANSLATION: “I KNOW those dudes are ALL trying to get into your pants (I know this because I have chick friends and their pants are exactly where I want to be) and I’m going to make you so miserable every time they are around or you talk to them that you will eventually drop them. Also, you’re being irrationally jealous of my chick friends.”

~”It’s not you it’s me.”

 TRANSLATION: “Bitch… please… of COURSE it’s you but I’m a freaking coward and I’m afraid you might start crying or some shit if I tell you the truth and there is some other chick waiting on me…. Anyhoo… gotsta go.”

I’m sure there are more and there is a slight chance I’m off a bit on some of these but clearly I have shit aaaalllll figured out...I mean... really... this is as good a guess as any. Well, now that I’ve enlightened you all I guess it’s time for me to heat up my Lean Cuisine and get back to my porn…errrr… BOOK… I mean my book. What? “50 Shades of Grey” is a book! geeeeezzzz

Things I say 800,000 times a day

Things I say 800,000 times a day:

1.       “Eight hundred thousand” - Why? Shit idk... Who knows why I do things…

2.       “STOP SCRATCHING!” - My poor baby has terrible eczema and despises lotion so his skin is always crazy inflamed… AND HE NEVER STOPS SCRATCHING!!! EVER!!!

3.       “You need some lotion. Did you put on your lotion? You need more lotion. Do I need to put on your lotion? I swear to God if you don’t put on your lotion I’m going to make you take a bath in it! GET OVER HERE! I’M GOING TO PUT ON YOUR LOTION!” – Don’t be jealous.

4.       “Holy crapballs!”- I just like the way it rolls off the tongue… it’s awesome… Say it with me… HOLY CRAPBALLS! Now wasn’t that fun?

5.       “I’m going to punch you in the face.” – Well some people just need me to punch them in the face. Don’t blame me…blame the fucktards that need the face punching…

6.       “Fucktard” – Cuz it’s a wonderful variation of my favorite word and sometimes people are fucktards.

7.       “Fuck” – Cuz fuck you, that’s why.

8.       “I’m gonna throat punch you!” – Once again… It’s not my fault. Sometimes people need to be throat punched.

9.       “Seriously?” – Cuz surely you’re kidding me with that bullshit… SERIOUSLY!

10.   “It’s naptime.” – Well…cuz it’s fucking naptime! DUR!

11.   “OMG!” – It’s just efficient and I mean really… OHEMGEE!

12.   “I wanna set that fucktard on fire!” – This is reserved for the most heinous of fucktards. Very few people evoke the desire to cast them into a fiery death but it certainly happens and quite possible 800,000 times a day (slight exaggeration).  

13.   “REALLY???” – Variation of “Seriously??” because I like to mix it up…

14.   “Get in the bathtub.” -  This most often precedes “Did you put on your lotion” and is repeated nearly as many times… once again… Don’t be jealous.

15.   “WHATTHEFUCK???”- Because for some crazy reason I am still astounded by peoples’ stupidity…

16.   “I freaking love that shit” – Cuz I actually do like a few things. It’s hardly ever the shit other people like but whatev… When I do like shit I “FREAKING” love it cuz well, it’s just more fun to throw around words like “freaking” and “fucking” but I try not to fucking overuse “fuck”. Some people are just fucking pussies about that shit! Hehehe…. I really do have a potty mouth huh? Oh well…

I just thought I’d share some of my everyday vernacular. Feel free to adopt some of my “Shawnisms”. Trust me…people fucking love that shit!

Still Open for Business

Letting people in is scary as fuck.

I’m one of the worst when it comes to letting people in, even though it is far and away the thing I want most. I want someone to know me…not the “me” that everyone sees… the deep dark, secret me that very few people have ever seen. The problem with that is anyone who gets to see that part of me has to matter… Not just anyone gets that far. I make a point of keeping people out.  I mean…there are road blocks I’ve set up to keep people out. Not just road blocks… there are freaking moats and shit. I don’t want to give away any of my security secrets or anything but there may or may not be alligators in some of these moats… That shit is locked up tight. I am TERRIFIED of some fucktard getting into my insides *don’t be a pervo* and just running amok and fucking shit up. Once someone gets in there they can do a tremendous amount of damage and that’s scary as fuck! 

How am I supposed to know that I can trust someone to matter that much? How could I possibly know they aren’t going to just grab all my gooey insides a start playing “throw Shawn’s guts at the wall” or whatever? 

I’ve been hurt plenty. Enough to know I’m not going to literally die from a little heartache… Heartache isn’t even the thing that scares me the most now. NOW I’m afraid that I’m becoming so closed off and scarred up that I won’t be able to soften when the right person finally shows up… (Assuming of course that there is such a character as “the right person”…who even freaking knows…) 

So what the hell is the answer? Do I keep allowing myself to give a flying fuck about people or do I just shut down and give up? I know what I want but I’m starting to worry that with every disappointment I care just a little less… how much longer until I am unable to care at all?

The only answer I have been able to come up with is that I have to force myself to try. Each time I’m faced with disappointment I pick my toys up, pull myself together and head back out.  I just can’t imagine that shutting down could possibly be the answer. That won’t get me anywhere at all… except maybe one step closer to being the crazy ass cat lady (btw…anyone know of a cat hook up just in case? Haha… I’m mostly kidding)

There is a huge part of me that thinks I’m a little insane for putting all of my thoughts out in the universe in this blog but it might be one of the most cathartic things I’ve ever done.  I’d go bat shit crazy if I just kept letting all of my thoughts run circles in my head and trust me… I’m just about as crazy as I can handle already…

So, I guess that’s the plan. I’m going to keep at least some of the gates open and keep hoping that sooner or later (OMG! SOONER ALREADY) I won’t have to wonder. I’m not giving up just yet. I can do this. Heart still open for business… I mean, the hours are iffy and our staff is kinda questionable but c’mon in… Tell your friends *your awesome, smarty pants friends only please…

Bring it!

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” 

Well… it’s true. There are things you never imagined you’d have to go through…. I mean… I never imagined I’d have to live through the raging shitstorm I lived for about 4 years… but I did and you know what I realized?

You keep living. 

It’s that simple. You WILL keep going. Even when you feel like you couldn’t possibly go on… you do.

Even when you feel like you really could just give up and die right where you are… you don’t.

When you’ve had your guts ripped right out of your body, when you’re just sitting there wondering how it’s even possible to feel as awful as you do you somehow find a way to pick up your guts and push them back in… You hold them in no matter how badly it hurts. You find the strength to take that first step… even though it hurts like hell. You WILL move slowly. Every step WILL be excruciating but you keep taking them. There will be days that you can’t move at all…that’s ok. There will be a day that you take a step backwards…that’s ok. You just keep going. You hold your insides in and you just keep going.

Then suddenly you realize it doesn’t hurt as badly as it used to. You look down and see your wounds have almost healed. You turn around and realize how far you’ve managed to make it… You did it. There will be other hurts. Other people will come into your life and open the wounds you worked so hard to close but that’s ok. It’s nothing compared to what you’ve already been through. You push your guts back in again and just...keep…moving.

The scars won’t ever go away. That’s ok. It’s a battle wound. You can be proud of that scar. It made you the person you are. It might even hurt a little for a long time…that’s ok… It’s there to remind you of where you’ve been…and what you survived. 

Sometimes I stop and really think about how much I’ve been through and how I NEVER imagined I’d be fully intact on the other side… but I am. I’m even better off. It’s definitely not how I imagined my life at this point but HOLY CRAP! I made it! 

Some days I need to remind myself of that… Look what I’ve already survived… this is cake. I can do this. Bring it!

I don't want to make out with Ryan Reynolds

You know what's fun? You know what is awesome advice?

When people tell you "It'll happen when you least expect it" or "As soon as you stop looking you'll find what you're looking for".

WHAT??? REALLY???

So you're telling me the minute I abandon all hope and resign myself to a life of solitude I'll find my soul mate? I mean what is that? How the crap is that supposed to make me feel better? Isn't that like telling someone just as soon as you decide you're a lesbian you'll find the man of your dreams... Isn't that an Alanis Morrisette song? Ironic... Why yes.... that IS ironic!

So I guess the plan now is to NOT want what I want. Turns out THAT is how you get what you want... by NOT wanting it...

SOOOO... If anyone is paying attention I DON'T want a million dollars, I DON'T want an amazing Mediterranean vacation and I DON'T want to have Scarlett Johannson's body. I also don't want some boy to think I'm the coolest thing since sliced cheese (which by the way is pretty stinking cool)... OK... better make it two million dollars. I DON'T want FIVE million dollars.

Saving you from your feelings

Some people are sooooo sensitive!

I’ve learned through the years and several pissy pants exchanges that some people take things WAY too personally and just don’t appreciate a helpful word. No matter how well intentioned or thoughtful the advice SOME PEOPLE will make a point of flying into a tizzy…

Here are a few things I’ve realized may be met with defensiveness and derision:

“You KNOW that’s REALLY fattening right?”

Nutritional information: People hardly ever appreciate it when I explain in detail why they don’t know how to eat. They think just because they’ve been eating the same crap their entire lives that they know what they’re doing… um… look at your ass… O, you can’t see the whole thing? That’s cuz you’re a FATTY!  Trust me… I know these things! *ahem* STOP LOOKING AT MY ASS! Do as I say, not as I do!

“OH honey…. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING???” (this is especially effective if the person is already out and couldn’t possibly change)

Fashion tips: Turns out some people actually think they look cute in WAY too tight clothes and NO bra… Yes… you may get lots of turned heads and even a few whistles but it doesn’t mean what you think it does… Yeah, people don’t really like to hear that either. I’m just trying to help… Look at me. I’m the epitome of fashionable… SHUT UP! YOU DON’T KNOW FASHION!

 “I wouldn’t worry about saving for college… your daughter will most definitely be knocked up and starring in a “Who’s my baby daddy” episode of Maury Povich WAY before she’s anywhere near graduating high school. THAT’S what you should be worried about.”

Child Predictions: I have yet to meet a parent who even nods a little “hey thanks” for my super insightful opinions on their children’s inevitable futures. Like it’s MY fault their kid is destined to be a hooker and/or drug dealing crack addicted hobo… I’m TRYING to help you help them… GEEZ! So ungrateful!

“EW! You smoke? You KNOW that’s bad for you don’t you? You KNOW it will age you super  fast right? I mean… look at your teeth already… GRODY!”

Cigarettes: Now this one I honestly don’t get… EVERYONE knows cigarettes are bad for you.. . it says so right on the box! It’s not like I yank the thing out of their mouths…anymore… On second thought keep smoking… I’ll just look younger by comparison…

"WTF is that smell? Here... lemme febreeze your funky ass... sit still! Stop fidgeting, you fucking smell like a rotten corpse!"

BO: I mean I really didn't think this one would be necessary but I swear there's this hooker on the radio that was flummoxed as to why this guy kept making retching sounds and weird faces in the car... I mean she DOESN'T wear deodorant and showers... wait for it... every OTHER day! WHAT??? You can't do both bitch... if you wanna forgo deodorant then you freaking double up on the showers! REALLY?!?! Come on!

This chick I work with calls it "Saving you from your feelings"... that thing where you tell loved ones something really terrible about themselves so someone else doesn't do it and hurt their feelings.... Because having your mom call you a big fatty is less hurtful than random strangers just pointing and laughing... haha! Either way people need to stop being titty babies. I mean... where is my thank you card? I just freaking "saved you from your feelings". I did you a favor... some people... soooo ungrateful!

Also, I'm perfect... I don't need any help at all... don't try and save me from my feelings... that would just be rude...

Regret is fo suckas!

There's a saying that in the end you don't regret the things you did... only the things you didn't.


Um... I beg to differ...


What about the time I drunkenly text-ed a guy ALL night? I totally regret THAT shit! (I'd fill you in on the retarded crap I sent but sober me couldn't bear it and deleted it all before I could peruse that hot mess). I'm sure it seemed freaking genius at the time... you know 2 margaritas and about 8 beers in genius...


There was this one time (well maybe more than once...) I thought that although I had absolutely NO balance I could TOTALLY dance.... um.... yeah... not so much. My ass and the ground have met on many an occasion...


I kinda regret thinking the bartender was working too slowly at my sister's wedding and hopping behind the bar and mixing my own drinks... BIG MISTAKE! HUGE! I sure wish I remembered the second half of that wedding... I heard it was tons o' fun...


How about that drunken fiasco at.....


hmmmm.... maybe there's a pattern here... NAW! I'm not an alcoholic... alcoholics go to meetings! JK! Although there are plenty of drunken adventures I wouldn't advertise on FB at least those are excusable with a "*hic*... well I was a little tipsy..."


I'm pretty sure there are plenty of things I wish I hadn't done that DON'T involve adult beverages... I'd say my marriage but there was most certainly some alcohol involved and I did get my super awesome kid out of it. We'll just call that a detour...


I guess there are a few things I regret NOT doing... I regret not finishing college (yet). I regret investing a shit ton of money on beer and partying and NOT spending it on something awesome like a trip to Europe... I could have thought that one out a little better but then again I was *hic* drinking a lot then...


I always kind of figured that the saying mainly applied to love... as in not telling the ones you love how much they mean to you, not following your heart for fear of being hurt... that kind of thing... Well Idk if that's really true. I think there are times that I plopped my guts out on the table for everyone to gawk at and looking back there a few times I kind of regret it... I mean WTF was I thinking? One dude was stinky... He literally stunk...PEE-EWE! I swear I was half-retarded. Seriously...


BUUUUTTTT.... I guess there were a few instances that I still wonder about. Not that I'm pining away for anyone or that I don't believe that everything happens for a reason but of course there are some "what ifs"... Admittedly, if I really think about it most of those are clouded by time and rose colored glasses and if I try I could predict the demise of most of those relationships anyway... still tho...


Now that I'm older...ish... I try to think about stuff like that when I'm faced with choices. I really believe that following your heart (even tho my heart is kind of stupid sometimes) is almost always the best decision.


I guess in the end when you're all wrinkly and crap, sitting alone in your hover-chair sipping lava hot coffee and praying your Depends holds out, it would really suck to regret letting something possibly amazing slip away... I want some wrinkly old fart sitting right next me and I don't want to wait til my boobs are scraping the ground and my face looks like I left it in the bathtub too long to find my Depends buddy. So Ima wear my heart on my sleeve (well under my hoodie) and let the chips fall where they may.


Regret is fo suckas!

Since I'm soooo clearly a dating icon I thought it would be cool of me to share some of my wisdom. I know it's tough dating these days so I'd love to help out those less fortunate than myself in the dating arena. Here are some of my helpful hints:

 1. Be fashionably late... by this I mean 7 really means 9:15ish... they need to know your time is more important than theirs. Trust me boys dig it when you set them straight early.

2. Dress reeeaaalllyy slutty. You want their undivided attention and you're sure to get it if at least one of your nipples is precariously poised within the coverage of your transparentish blouse.

3. There's no such thing as too much perfume... french whore house, schmore house! Don't let him EVER forget your aroma!

4. Flirt with the waiter shamelessly. Everyone knows that men are pre-wired to fight for their lady and will appreciate that you're a hot commodity.

5. Talk incessantly. He really does want to know about your annoying co-worker's annoying habits. He'll be fascinated by you're in depth analysis of the Bachelor AND will be enthralled by how awful your last boyfriend's mother was (plus it's good for him to start getting the clue that YOU will be the head bitch and he should probably inform his mother accordingly).

6. Don't forget to let him know you're into him too.... tell him which pictures on his Facebook you liked and feel free to elaborate on your opinions of the shady looking girls posing next to him (of course they are probably hideous whores anyway), Show your outdoorsy side by pointing out that you noticed the type of  bushes he has in his backyard (if he points out that you've never been to his house just change the subject). Let him know that your laid back enough to rough it in his "starter home" for the first year or so but you will expect a MUCH more posh residence ASAP once you're married. (The kids simply can't grow up in THAT neighborhood!)

7. Ask him questions... "Is THAT really the career choice you want to stick with or do you plan on getting a REAL job soon?", "Did you get your money back for that haircut?", "Is that a rental because your real car is in the shop or something?"... you know... get to know him....

8. Order something fancy. If you're unsure of what to order just choose the most expensive thing... they always price the best things the highest. That's how he'll know you're a quality lady...

9. It's perfectly acceptable to get a little tipsy. It shows that you're fun! I'd keep the throwing up at bay until the second date but a slight slur is cute.

10. Play innocent and just a little prudish when he drops you off. Let him walk you to the door, giggle (which should be easy since you're 5 wine glasses in)... tuck your nipple back into your demi-cup and say..."Good night". That's it... He's been eying your boobage all night and will DEFINITELY be calling for a second date in hopes of seeing more of you!

Go forth and date my pretties! I know this will help you get a second date! Now good night, I have to feed my cats and finish heating up my lean cuisine.